How to impress a woman
Wine her,
Dine her,
Call her,
Hug her,
Support her,
Hold her,
Surprise her,
Compliment her,
Smile at her,
Listen to her,
Laugh with her,
Cry with her,
Romance her,
Cuddle with her,
Shop with her,
Give her jewelry,
Buy her flowers,
Hold her hand,
Write love letters to her,
Go to the ends of the earth and back for her.
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
Show up naked,
Bring food.
NATO and its member countries are developing so called
'green weapons' that produce similar effects to standard
weaponry, without using chemicals that could be hazardous
to the environment and the soldiers using them. Good to
know that we can bomb each other without hurting the butterflies now, eh?"
SURVEY RESULTS...
A recent survey was conducted, asking various individuals, "Why
did the chicken cross the road?" The responses are below:
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a
toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've
not been told!
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain. Alone
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens
will be free to cross roads without having their motives called
into question.
GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the
road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that
was good enough for us.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
SADDAM HUSSAIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we
were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
RONALD REAGAN: What chicken?
KEN STARR: I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at
the behest of the president of the United States of America in an
effort to distract law enforcement officials and the American
public from the criminal wrongdoing our highest elected official
has been trying to cover up. As a result, the chicken is just
another pawn in the president's ongoing and elaborate scheme to
obstruct justice and undermine the rule of law. For that reason,
my staff intends to offer the chicken unconditional immunity
provided he co-operates fully with our investigation.
Furthermore, the chicken will not be permitted to reach the other
side of the road until our investigation and any Congressional
follow-up investigations have been completed. (We also are
investigating whether Sid Blumenthal has leaked information to
the Rev. Jerry Falwell, alleging the chicken to be homosexual in
an effort to discredit any useful testimony the bird may have to
offer, or at least to ruffle his feathers.)
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone
before.
FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How
many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken
crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 98, which will not only
cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents,
and balance your checkbook-and Internet Explorer is an
inextricable part of eChicken.
EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road
move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do
you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please?
THE BIBLE: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto
the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed
the road, and there was much rejoicing.
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?
AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor - to
make
love again.
DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart
to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the
strained carrots.
FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though
they're sure you're not raising them right.
HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we
say.
OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.
PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry
shoes into it.
SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to
your last baby's
pacifier by blowing on it.
TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.
TWO MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make
those familiar grunting noises.
VERBAL: able to whine in words
WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house...
WEEKEND: when Dad gets to play golf while Mom catches up on the laundry,
cleans the house, runs errands, etc.
I Believe
There was this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of sudden
he sees this shark in the water, so he starts swimming towards
his boat. As he looks back he sees the shark turn and head
towards him. His boat is a way off and he starts swimming like
crazy. He's scared to death, and he turns to see the jaws of the
great white beast open revealing its teeth in horrific splendor.
The atheist then screams, "Oh God! Save me!" In an instant, time
is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is
motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, "You
are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe
in me?"
The atheist, with confusion and knowing he can't lie,
replies, "Well, that's true, I don't believe in you, but how
about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?"
The Lord replies, "As you wish," and the light retracted back
into the heavens and the man could feel the water begin to move
once again.
As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark
start to close down on him, when all of a sudden the shark stops
and pulls back. Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge
beast closes its eyes and bows its head and says...........
"Thank you Lord for this food which I am about to receive....."