10. He said: I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got
nothing to put in it.
She said: You wear briefs, don't you?
9. She said: What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said: It's not my fault...I ran out of money.
8. He said: Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to
make love to you in the worst way.
She said: Well, you succeeded.
7. He said: Two inches more, and I would be king'.
She said: Two inches less, and you'd be queen'
6. On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me
everywhere."
Written just below it: "I do not."
5. He said: Shall we try a different position tonight?"
She said: "That's a good idea...you stand by the ironing
board while I sit on the sofa and fart.
4. Priest: I don't think you will ever find another man like
your late husband.
She said: Who's gonna look?
3. He said: What have you been doing with all the grocery
money I gave you?
She said: Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
2. He said: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the
hallway light on.
1. He said: Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said: I would but you're never there.
Pain
There was a midget down in Texas who complained to his buddy that his
testicles ached almost all the time. As he was always complaining
about his problem, so his friend finally suggested that he go to the
doctor to see what could be done to relieve the problem.
The midget took his advice and went to the doctor and told him what
the problem was. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a
look. The midget dropped his pants.. The doctor put him up onto the
examining table and started to examine him. The doc put one finger
under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough,
the usual method to check for hernia.
Aha!" mumbled the doc and putting his finger under the right testicle,
he asked the midget to c ough again. "Ahhha!" said the doctor and
reached for his surgical scissors. Snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip
on the right side then snip, snip, snip, snip, snip,snip, snip on the left
side.
The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted
with amazement that the snipping did not hurt.
The Doctor then told the midget to pull up his pants to see if they
still ached. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked
around the doc's office and discovered his testicles were no longer
aching. "Gee, Doc, what did you do?" he asked.
The doc replied, "I cut two in ches off the tops of your cowboy boots."
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an
animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first,
but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the
following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I
come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I
come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country
we
don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa
tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
A recent study was made to find out what days men prefer to have sex:
It was found that men preferred to engage in sexual activity on the days
that started with "T":
Tuesday
Thursday
Thanksgiving
Today
Tomorrow
Thaturday and Thunday
1. What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians?
A licker cabinet.
2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?
A Klondyke.
3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns?
Militia Etheridge.
4. Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the
same time?
Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay
on their face.
5. Why do lesbians like to be reincarnated as whales?
So they can have 10 foot tongues and breathe out
of the tops of their heads.
6. What do you call 2 lesbians in a canoe?
Fur Traders.
7. What is a lesbian dinosaur called? A
Lickalotapuss.
8. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?
well hung .
18. What's the difference between a ritz cracker and
a lesbian?
One's a snack cracker, the other a crack snacker!
Addon:
What do you call 2 chinese lesbians?
Tu Can Chu
Now, off the lesbian jokes, kinda :-)
What is the speed limit of sex?
68, 69 you have to turn around
What's better than 69?
77, you get ate more
What's better than 77?
88, you get ate twice
The Only Sex Dictionary You Will Ever Need:
Australian Death Grip
The act of grabbing a woman by the crotch and staring deeply into her eyes
until you're slapped or kissed. A recommended tactic for very crowded bar.
Another great opportunity for wagering among friends.
Beef Curtains
The shanked out remains of the labia after being stretched like Play-doh
from an hour or so of jimmy-jam (a.k.a. Beef Drapes, Meat Tarp, Piss
Flappers, Quim Nuts, Vertical Bacon Sandwich).
Blocking the Box
When you and your pal are double-teaming a chick he's got her from behind,
you've got her mouth. Selfishly, he drops his load in her, thus preventing
you from using that input later (a.k.a. Access Denied Error, Road Closed Due
to Bad Conditions).
Chocolate Cha-Cha
Anal Sex
Used in a sentence: "John and George danced the chocolate cha-cha all
night."(a.k.a. Driving Hershey Highway, Riding the Dirt Trail, Utilizing
the Third Input, Poking the Brown Eye)
Consolation Prize
When you take a girl home from the bar, thinking you're going to get laid,
and from all of the drinks you've been feeding her all night long, she
passes out on the bed right before you get your pants off. To get revenge,
you jerk off and spray your load all over her back. Even though you lost and
didn't get laid, the satisfaction you got is almost as good, hence the term
consolation prize.
Cleveland Steamer
The act of leaving a shit stain on the rib cage of a woman while receiving
penile pleasure from tit fucking (a.k.a. Hawaiian Muscle Fuck, Pasadena
Mudslide).
Cum Dumpster
Refers to a girl who has been around the block quite a few times, hence she
is full of cum.
Dirty Sanchez
While fucking a girl doggy style, insert a finger in her ass and get it all
shitty. Then, reach around to her face and give her a shit moustache, a
"shitstache" if you will.
Dirty Schultz
Same as Dirty Sanchez, except you inadvertently give yourself the
"shitstache" while trying to wipe sweat from your brow. Usually booze is a
factor.
Fugly
Fucking Ugly. Used in a sentence: "Damn that bitch was fugly!"
Fumilingus
When a man (or woman) performs cunnilingus on a woman and she farts directly
in his face.
Game of Smiles
This game involves men sitting around a circular table and a woman giving
random blowjobs underneath the table. Anyone who "smiles" has to buy a round
of beer for the rest.
Going to the Bullpen
The act of fingering the anus prior to having anal sex. It kind of "paves
the way"..
Ick Dick
A common condition that men experience after a long night of plowing some
chick who has a nasty box - usually the town barfly. The undeniable stink
and film on your johnson is called "Ick Dick".
Leave-in Conditioner
Dollops of semen strategically left in a woman's hairdo at a public
gathering following fellatio. A good lesson for those who refuse to swallow
the evidence
Matching Drapes
Reference to whether or not a woman's pubic is the hair color on the her
head. Used in a sentence: "Wow what a hot looking redhead, but I wonder do
the curtains match the drapes?".
Paying the Rent
A position in which the woman is folded in half, knees above shoulders,
while the man holds the back of her calves and bangs her ferociously.
Pencil Sharpener
A chick that gives a rough and toothy blowjob that scrapes your willy up
something awful.
Reading the Defense
The concept of a guy making a split second decision about whether to score
with some chick without his girlfriend/wife finding out. "Reading the
Defense" Part II Refers to making all of the proper "game time adjustments"
as to not get caught cheating. Having Beer Goggles on makes it very hard to
Read the Defense.
Tossing Salad
Licking another's anus. Done in prison as payment for drugs.
Rusty Trombone
The process by which one person is! tossing a guy's salad, and then reaches
around and gives them a handjob.
San Diego Surprise
The act of bringing a girl home and, while fucking her, having a friend who'
s waiting enter the room naked in hopes of a consensual threesome. Named by
Navy guys stationed in San Diego. Rumored to work about one third of the
time.
The Southern Trespass
Southern Trespass most frequently occurs when an over zealous drunk) man is
involved in intercourse with his lady friend. Through lack of concentration,
lack of coordination, or simply because he wants to do it, the man quickly
switches from the woman's vagina to the cornhole without missing a beat. If
executed properly, this act catches the female by complete surprise,
stunning her like a cattle prod to the ass in a rainstorm. No matter how
long the man reaps the benefits of his efforts, he can now be content with
the fact that he has committed the coveted Southern Trespass.
Texas Hot Plate
The "receiver" either gets under a glass table or holds a piece of glass
over their head while the "giver" defecates from above onto the glass.
Twinkler
When you are 69-ing with a honey and she gags on your member and you can see
her bung-hole pucker up.
Tupperware Party
When three guys are triple-teaming a chick...one with his penis in her
mouth, another in her vagina, and the third in her anus. So named because
she is sealed 'airtight'.
Times Square Shuttle
You have two girls with you and they are in the 69 position with each other.
You then alternately fuck each of them while they chow each other. You go
from the missionary position on one and run to the other side and work in
doggie style on the other one. ! Repeat as any times as necessary /
possible.(a.k.a. Burning the Candle at Both Ends, Playing PingPong, The
Gunga Din)
Valsalva
The act of pinching shut (with thumb and forefinger) a woman's nose while
receiving fellatio; most effective when employed just prior to the release
point due to the gag reflex and ensuing swallow that the woman is forced to
do to continue breathing. A great first date ploy, as it sets the stage for
what the rules of engagement will be going forward.
The Houdini
You're taking a girl from behind and when you're about to jizz your load you
spit on her back, simulating ejaculation. When she turns around to look at
you (or it), you let the real load blow in her face....always nice for a
smile!
In 1993, the American Government funded a study
to see why the head of a man's penis was larger
than the shaft. After one year and $180,000.00, they
concluded that the reason the head was larger than
the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.
After the US published the study, France decided to
do their own study. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of
research, they concluded that the reason was to give
the woman more pleasure during sex.
Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their
own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46,
they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying
off and hitting him in the forehead.